i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
