I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
