M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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