ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
