Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Randomize
