Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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