I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
It's blow job season.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
