boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
