i wish there were pregnant emoticons
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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