we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
It's not a walk of shame if you run
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
