i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Randomize
