I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
