I am in a vortex of obligation.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
