She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
