he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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