meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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