My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I need a beard to bite.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
