Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
