when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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