I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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