i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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