I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
