ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
