he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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