very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
