I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
