I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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