I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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