somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
