I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize
