dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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