Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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