Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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