I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
