What did we do last night that was yellow?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
