So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
