Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
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Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
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It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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