I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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