Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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