I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
