Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
