evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship