i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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