pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
