Well douche your snatch and let's go!
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
