I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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