my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
