This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
