my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
