i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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