Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
