I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
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Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
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I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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