Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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