I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
