brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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