I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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