This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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